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[Video] Dating New Men: How to Tell Him the Scary Stuff

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Worried man

Ungrateful children. Mortgage that’s killin’ you. Surgical scars. Chronic health problems…these are all realities of life after 40. Let’s face it: we’ve been around a while. We have “stuff!”

When you’re dating it’s important to share it at the right time in the right way. Say it wrong or tell him too early or too late, and you may scare away a good man.

Here are my tips to help you share your baggage in an easy way that’s honest, direct AND sets you up to get the best result. (And, hey, that could be him leaving, and that would be ok!) Tell me your challenges and I’m glad to help. What experiences have you had with sharing YOUR stuff?

And, hey….have you registered for my monthly webcasts? They are 100% free and you don’t have to be a technology expert to participate. This is FREE LIVE COACHING. girlfriend. I can’t figure out why you wouldn’t sign up. Do it here.

The post [Video] Dating New Men: How to Tell Him the Scary Stuff appeared first on Bobbi Palmer, Date Like a Grownup.


How to Improve Your Love Life By Setting Dating and Relationship Rules

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Are you out there dating or in a relationship and simply taking things as they come? Or are you thoughtfully setting some rules and boundaries; taking personal responsibility for your experiences and outcomes?

Have you ever asked yourself questions like: What do I need to do or not do to set myself up to make good choices? What do I expect others to do in order for me to be happy? How must I act in order to retain my self-respect and dignity? What will I not tolerate in myself or in others?

Too often I talk to women who have stayed in unfulfilling relationships or who date men who are completely wrong for them…and way longer than they should. Some stayed because they thought that he was “all she could get.” Some said she didn’t want to hurt his feelings or that she just wanted a man in her life. Many women stayed simply because they just didn’t know how to say “it’s over.”

I’ve heard many reasons why women entered and stayed in relationships that didn’t bring them happiness. (Especially when we’re dating after 40; many of us have more than one of these stories.)

These women all have one thing in common: they lack self awareness. Months and sometimes years went by without paying attention to their own needs. They never considered what they bring to the table and what they expect from their partner. They just went along.

They also never considered what their responsibility was to themselves and to the men they meet.

One of my coaching clients, Tamara, is a perfect example. She is 56, beautiful, successful and wonderfully kind. She jumped very quickly into a  relationship with a man who picked her. He was very controlling. It lasted 2 years. With my coaching support, she finally ended it.

Tamara wanted to find a good man and fall in love, but her search had gone nowhere. To be honest, I wasn’t surprised: though she was super smart and accomplished, she had no clarity about herself or her expectations when it came to men.

She had no idea how to date men or pick men in any way other than the way she’d been doing it. She had no idea what she was looking for and she really had no clue how to take care of herself along the way.

Yet she kept looking, finding the same guy and staying too long.

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When Tamara completed Step 3 of my 6-step Find Hope and Find Him program she had some major breakthroughs (as many women do). This is where we answer the question: “I’m So Fabulous What’s the Damn Problem?”  I help you define what’s standing in your way, what patterns need breaking and what you will do to get past your barriers.

Then we take what you learn and create your ground rules. And here’s the important part: These aren’t the rules for him; they are for yourself.

It’s about setting yourself up for dating success by creating a foundation that assures you get to that You Win! Box with grace, dignity and with a good man by your side.

Tamara did a spectacular job on this step of my program. Here are some of her rules:

  • I will take my time getting to know a man. I will not allow him to rush me into a relationship, rush me into being sexual or anything else.
  • I will “be present” on dates by listening to what he says, asking questions or commenting on what I hear, and not be afraid to do so.  I will be open about myself (within reason) and my interests.
  • I will not allow a man to snap at me or be judgmental towards me without me calling him on his behavior.
  • I will not retract into my shell if he disagrees with what I have to say or want to do.  I will no longer go along to get along.  I won’t disagree disagreeably but I won’t be silent either.
  • I will think about whether I like him and use that conclusion to decide whether I want to see him again.  I will no longer focus entirely upon whether he likes me and be insecure about him breaking up with me.
  • I will not be afraid of disagreements or feel threatened by the idea that he won’t like me if I don’t do what he says or don’t agree with him.
  • I will no longer be afraid if the relationship does not work out at any stage and I will feel free to end it if I don’t feel it is working for me.

There you go. Tamara rocked it. These are clear rules that she can now use to guide her actions, feelings and decisions. You can see that, right?

Now it’s your turn. Take control of your dating life. What dating and relationship rules can you adopt to make your romantic life more fun and more successful?

The post How to Improve Your Love Life By Setting Dating and Relationship Rules appeared first on Bobbi Palmer, Date Like a Grownup.

Dating After 50: How to Get Back in the Game

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Listen in to this fun and informative interview as I dish about online dating after 50 with Barbara Hannah Grufferman, host of the AARP YouTube series, The Best of Everything After 50. It cracks me up that I’m excited about being interviewed by AARP. Can I really be this old??

Enjoy, and please leave a comment here and let me know what resonated with you.

 

The post Dating After 50: How to Get Back in the Game appeared first on Bobbi Palmer, Date Like a Grownup.

What Dating Is Like for Men (The 6 FemiTypes)

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I love men. People ask me all the time whether I offer dating and relationship coaching for single men. I don’t. But I tell them that I help men by helping women. (It really is ALL about you!) One of the most transformational ways I support women is by helping you better understand GROWNUP men. Just like women, the men you’re dating have lived and learned. So I thought I’d tell you about the experience men have when they’re trying to “date like a grownup.”

If you’ve read my eBook, you know that I believe strongly that empathizing with men is absolutely essential to your dating and relationship success. The definition of empathy is “the power of understanding and imaginatively entering into another person’s feelings. So the only way you really can empathize is to know their side of the story.

Men and women are different in many ways, but we’re more the same than you may think. And this is especially true as we get older. We all have dating disappointments and horror stories. Just like how you’ve dated your share of challenging types of men like the Pinger, the Couch Potato and the older-and-balder-than-his-profile-guy…men also meet and enter into relationships with less-than-impressive types of women.

I’ve talked to countless single men over the years about their experiences with women, especially those in their 40s, 50s and beyond. In the following days I’m going to give you some of their stories of dating and relationships. (Guys, if you’re reading this…get in touch if you want to share!)

Just like we can meet the same types of guy over and over, men can do the same with women. Here are some of the types of women men deal with as they date and relate.

The Princess  The Princess is confident, well put together, and very attractive. She easily lures in men. She still follows “The Rules” and requires that her man do what she wants, when she wants. He needs to make all the right moves. She’s a scorekeeper, and she alone decides when he’s given enough to satisfy her…or when he hasn’t and is history.

The Princess has an “I deserve it” attitude and has little or no concern for how she can make the other person happy. She insists he give and give with little or no reciprocity; after all, he’s the The Man and she’s his prize!

The 18 Year Old  The 18 year old dates – sometimes a lot – but she doesn’t have relationships because “she doesn’t want the men who want her, and the men she wants don’t want her.”  She doesn’t know what will make her happy and has not yet learned how to communicate and relate to grownup men. By default she clings to the same type of guy she wanted in high school or college. He’s often the “Bad Boy” because he excites her. (See the Wow Me Woman below.)

The nice, relationship-minded men get quickly discarded by the 18 year old. Try as he might, the 60-year-old fabulous guy can’t measure up to her expectations because she’s looking for a man who doesn’t exist. She gets stuck in affairs with men who never commit, and it’s often the nice guys who are interested in her who bear the brunt of her hurt and anger.

The Scaredy Cat  The Scaredy Cat has been emotionally wounded by men in the past, and she can’t let go of it. She mistrusts men and often blames herself for the rejection she’s felt, believing that she just wasn’t good enough. She says things like “I need him to say he wants a relationship, and then I’ll open up,” or “Once he gets to know me, he probably won’t like me.”

The Scaredy Cat may put her guy through lots of tests before she feels confident that he’s truly interested. When he passes those tests or shows he has feelings for her, she questions it and might up the ante. She picks fights, picks the wrong guys, or maneuvers relationships to end because it gives her control.

This “I’m never going to find a good relationship” gal leaves men unable to get any traction during courting or in a relationship. The wall she has erected is just too high for him to climb in order to get to the other side. Since trust and affection are what men yearn for from women, he usually does her a favor and leaves…hence rendering her “right” once again.

The Wow Me Woman   The Wow Me Woman is a midlife gal who still thinks that excitement is the key to judging if a guy is a good match.  She’s looking for her guy to be interesting, keep her laughing, ask her all about herself, and give her butterflies…all on the first date. If she’s not swept away, there won’t be a second.

The Wow Me Woman leaves many good men in her dust. Men sense her quick judgment, which leaves them feeling deflated, unattractive and powerless. That man then makes a poor impression (understandably), and the date is chalked up to another “he just wasn’t right for me” experience. The Wow Me Woman is often single for a very, very long time.

The Bitter Gal  The Bitter Gal is angry — usually about everything, but especially about men. She’ll find fault with every man she meets. A guy never has a chance, even he is the nicest guy in the world and really likes her. (Which usually doesn’t last very long since, no matter how pretty and smart she is, she is no fun to be around.)

The truth is that The Bitter Gal has been playing the victim for most (if not all) of her life. Her life isn’t going the way she wants and she just can’t figure out why. With men, she might complain that they just “don’t get her,” but the truth is that she’s giving them every reason to head for the hills with her off-handed comments and negativity. She hasn’t mastered the life skill of introspection, so she’s blinded by her bitterness. It doesn’t occur to her that she might be the problem even though every date and relationship seems to end the same way. Though a nice guy might try to break through and prove her wrong about men, he will give up out of exhaustion.

The Sexpot  The Sexpot is all about putting out the sex vibe. She believes her sexuality is the only way she can attract a man, or she wants this point in her life to be a series of sexual experiences. Either way, she’s not connecting with men. She posts a provocative picture on her online dating profile, invites him over to her house on the first date, shows too much skin (especially for a woman over 40), and is overly familiar with her affection.

The Sexpot offers herself up on the first date and is offended if her date doesn’t partake. Men who are looking just for sex will say yes. Relationship-minded men may also say “yes” even though they may feel somewhat emasculated or turned off by her aggressiveness. (They are men, after all.) She won’t get a call from either of these guys and forever wonder why since she thinks she gave him what he wants.


You know that dating at this stage of life (Or any, for that matter!) is not exactly a rose garden every moment. When you appreciate the same is true for the men you date, it will go a long way toward building compassion and, therefore, building relationships.

Most every man has his set of dating bumps and bruises. Next post I will share more about the women they date along with some of their personal stories.


To read about the first Femitype — The Princess — click here.

The post What Dating Is Like for Men (The 6 FemiTypes) appeared first on Bobbi Palmer, Date Like a Grownup.

Are You Scaring Yourself Out of Love? (FemiType #3: The Scaredy Cat)

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We all know that dating over 40 can be a bit of a jungle with challenges, surprises and pitfalls. I’m sure you’ve encountered your share of Pingers, Needy-men and Players as you meet single men. I get it, and you belong to a large, loving sisterhood. But it’s not only us gals who have dating disasters. Men have their fair share of icky, confusing, ego-crushing experiences too.

In my ongoing effort to help you empathize with those nutty creatures with whom we’re trying so hard to connect, I’m showing you my 6 “FemiTypes”: the over-40 women men date who send them running for the hills.

(Btw, I know that many of my readers are under 40. To you, this will either be super helpful or a stern warning as to what not to do as you “mature.”)

Previously I’ve introduced you to The Princess and The 18 Year Old.* Today you’ll learn about The Scaredy Cat.

Deep down, The Scaredy Cat feels unworthy and afraid to receive love and attention, especially from potential romantic partners. She has been wounded by past relationships and hasn’t been able to move on emotionally. While she carries these wounds below the surface and they aren’t there for all to see, given the proper trigger (like a man not calling exactly when he says he will), her fear can take center stage at a moment’s notice.

She operates from contradictory perspectives: “I don’t deserve a good guy” and/or “There are no single good guys.” Because she says she will never open up herself to be hurt again, she makes her guy jump through all kinds of hoops to prove he’s okayand won’t hurt her. She needs him to show interest first. But when he does show his feelings, she questions it and ups the ante or runs.

When The Scaredy Cat perceives that she’s being let down, her walls go up and she overreacts. She projects her expectations into the future because this somehow helps her feel like she has some control. (She usually doesn’t actually know this.) She sees problems that exist only in her mind. She can’t relax and just get to know a man because she’s too busy picking every moment apart and questioning everything. She picks the bad guys because she’s familiar with them and (perhaps subconsciously) they prove her right.

CHARLES’ STORY

“I ended what could have potentially been a relationship with a woman because she just wouldn’t get in the game. I’d do things like tell her I had a nice time and liked being with her, and she would respond with ‘Thanks.’ I’d compliment her and she’d shrug or give me some bulls*t about how it wasn’t true. All these ways I tried to let her know I was interested…and she just wasn’t buying it.

“Then, after about four weeks of dating, I had to cancel our plans for the weekend. She hardly let me tell her what was going on before she unloaded on me. I explained this ridiculous deadline my boss had given me, and she says ‘Fine…just call when you have time for me.’ The attitude was like: how dare you…like I was some kind of jerk.

“She emailed me a nice note after the call, but that was it for me. I really liked her but after that attack, forget it. It was way too much work, and I’m not going to pass tests or constantly have to prove myself to anyone. I actually still think about her and wonder how she’s doing. But I’m really glad I moved on.”

Charles was really digging this gal and hanging in, hoping she would accept his interest. But when he canceled their plans she probably had her dating life flash before her, remembering the feelings from the hundreds of times she’d been lied to or dumped in the past. (In truth there were probably only a few times, and whether she really was being lied to or dumped is up for interpretation.) She was going to make him pay for all the men who “done her wrong.”

So The Scaredy Cat unleashes on this guy. She’s probably used this shoot-first-and-ask-questions-later-you-better-not-hurt-me approach ton of times before.

Understandably, Charles is overwhelmed and a little pissed off by her unbending and over-emotional approach to the situation. Coupled with her inability to accept his overtures and just enjoy getting to know one another, he wants no part of it.

For sure The Scaredy Cat has dated or even married immature, selfish and/or unkind men in the past. If she’s like many women, she probably had a couple real creeps early on and is just repeating the pattern. In my experience, the truth is that the real bad guys in her life add up to maybe 10; and when you’re in your 40s, 50s or beyond, that’s really not a lot. Yet The Scaredy Cat uses those few guys to represent the entire species.

(As a recovering Scaredy Cat, I get this big time. It wasn’t until my 40s that I came to understand that real men weren’t like the two jerky man-boys who broke my heart early on: one when I was a teenager and the other in my 20s. It took me many years to learn that most men were awesome…and so was I!)

Because her defenses are so sky high, The Scaredy Cat turns away good guys whom she prematurely judges to be “just like all the others.” She tosses aside his compliments and attention. She focuses a very bright light on the one or two things that don’t meet her expectations. She is always looking for a sign that he’s slipped up and shown her that he’s just like all the rest.

When The Scaredy Cat overreacts to some perceived insult or omission on a man’s part, he’s blind-sided by her emotions. He probably ends it as fast as he can and voila…once again she is proven right: all men are______(fill in the blank).

Then her play can start all over again with the next guy. She’s living out a self-fulfilling prophecy of “I’m not good enough and all men suck.”

When a guy like Charles dates a Scaredy Cat, he can feel confused or just plain uninterested. His attempts to please her go unappreciated, and his emotional generosity is one-sided. The brick wall she has erected is just too high for him to climb; and since they barely know each other, it’s very easy for him to just leave.  (I used to call my wall the “Wall of I Dare You!” You can read about it in my eBook.)

Men need to feel appreciated and trusted. (This is huge!) They need to know that they’re enhancing your life. When The Scaredy Cat doesn’t receive well, holds back emotionally, and freaks out over slight disappointments, good men go running because none of their needs are getting met.

From Scaredy Cat to Grownup

There is hope for The Scaredy Cat! I know because I was one. It all starts with breaking down those emotional walls that took years to build. The first action is Step 1 of my 6-Step Find Hope and Find Him System: Falling in Love with Yourself. (I based my system on what I did to meet my fab husband.) Once you do this, you can start getting clarity about what and who will really make you happy (and how to attract him).

Imagine feeling good about yourself and deserving of love. Then heap on an understanding of what would truly make you happy for the rest of your life. Do you see it? With this you can start trusting your own judgment! And then the fear and angst starts to disappear.

Do you think you have a little Scaredy Cat inside you? Can you look back and see how it has affected your dating and relationships? If she’s lurking, I urge you to stop, take a breath, and give yourself permission to acknowledge and verbalize what is fantastic about you. Then make a commitment to change the thoughts and behavior that are causing you to turn the good guys away. (A great place to start your journey is to read my personal story of how I finally found love at 47 and then complete the exercises I give you.)

There are SO many good guys out there! I found one, and I have many clients who consistently have great dates and have found great partners! Once in a while these guys disappoint us. Sometimes we feel insecure or unsafe. But we trust ourselves and we’ve knocked down our walls. And we’re loving our grownup partnerships. Join us!


* If you haven’t already, I recommend you read What Dating is Like for Men (Oh…ya think you know?)

After talking to countless men I’ve identified the Six FemiTypes: The Princess, The 18 year old, The Scaredy Cat, The Wow Me Woman, The Bitter Gal and the Sex Pot. I’m sharing what I’ve learned with you to help you understand and appreciate the men you’re meeting. This empathy will surely lead you to become a more grownup, compassionate and HAPPY dater and, ultimately, life partner.


My next article in this series on The Wow Me Woman will appear next… Stay tuned!

Learn the SIX things you need to know in order to set a path to the love you’ve been craving

 

 

The post Are You Scaring Yourself Out of Love? (FemiType #3: The Scaredy Cat) appeared first on Bobbi Palmer, Date Like a Grownup.

When Do You Say ‘No’ to Another Date or Give Him Another Chance?

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So you think you’re going to meet a great guy with real potential, only to find out that he’s got scary baggage, a health issue or a habit you just can’t stand. Find out if it’s time to drop that date and run for the hills OR give him more time to make an impression and see where things land.

I share 5 date deal-breakers and more in my interview with Barbara Hannah Grufferman for AARP’s ‘The Best of Everything‘ series.

So…have YOU ever walked out of a date? What would send YOU running for the hills? Leave a comment here to share your own experiences!

 

The post When Do You Say ‘No’ to Another Date or Give Him Another Chance? appeared first on Bobbi Palmer, Date Like a Grownup.

Hating First Dates ? Do This and You Won’t

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Dating Couple At A Restaurant

My hubby and I skipped town last weekend for a 3-day Las Vegas getaway. It was spur of the moment, with a place to stay but no dinner reservations or show tickets. We threw some summer clothes in a bag, gassed up the car and hit the road. Spontaneous, open and with an attitude that we will be happy just being together — that’s what we like sometimes. (We’re not gamblers, btw. But I did win $300 while killing time waiting to see the hypnosis comedy show!)

I love this about being married. I always have a date (yay!) and I don’t have to do much preparation when we’re going to spend quality time together.

Unfortunately, though, when you’re single, this laisser-faire approach to dating just doesn’t work. Unlike me, preparing before you’re going to spend time with a man is super freaking important. Because, honestly, a “whatever” attitude to dating translates into a lot of first dates…period.

Taking a little time to prepare for dates, particularly first dates, is something I advise all women, especially when you’re dating after 40. Why? Because your dates will be more fun and you will get to know the man you’re with faster and in a more meaningful way. And this may surprise you: You will find that more men will seem attractive to you and you possibilities for romance will increase. (I know, it seems odd that preparation would have something to do with liking more men, but I see this proven time and time again with the women I coach. Will you trust me on this?)

I teach this in detail in Step 5 of my 6-Step System: Rendezvous to Romance. The preparation isn’t complicated or time-consuming. It doesn’t involve strategizing or any form of manipulation. (If you know me at all, you know I believe that showing up as the real you is the only way to attract the right men.)

I think every woman should have this information so I wanted to give you a portion of this Step 5 training from my Romance Revolution: 6 Steps to Hot Love after 40 program. (We just wrapped up. Another course will be available for registration in fall.)

Listen to this excerpt from my Romance Revolution: 6-Steps to Hot Love after 40 course. You will hear how to make a fantastic first impression, have more fun and meet more quality men by doing just a little bit of pre-date preparation. (Or you can right click to download the recording for later.)

You see, every date is an opportunity to practice, learn more about yourself and men and, of course, meet Mr. I Love You.

Paying attention to life’s opportunities and knowing how to make every first date great is KEY to eventually meeting that man you’re going to spend your life with. And truthfully, most of us have to learn how to do it. (I know I did!)

I’d love to hear your thoughts: Do you do any preparation for dates? Can you see how it can make a difference? And…what are YOUR suggestions as to how to make your first dates as successful as possible?

 

 

The post Hating First Dates ? Do This and You Won’t appeared first on Bobbi Palmer, Date Like a Grownup.

What Grownup Men Really Want From You On a Date

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This might shock you:  The intellectual connection and witty repartee that so many of us over 40, looking for love, single women say we want and MUST HAVE is not anywhere near the top of the list for most men when they date.

This is why so many women aren’t finding partners: because they are focusing on making an intellectual connection with men. I know that turns you on during a date, but it is not what brings and keeps men and women together.

What do men want? It’s best expressed in one of my favorite quotes:

“A man reserves his true and deepest love not for the species of woman in whose company he finds himself electrified and enkindled, but for that one in whose company he may feel tenderly drowsy.” ~ George Jean Nathan

What does this mean? It means when a man is with you he wants to be able to rest. He wants to be able to shed his proverbial suit and just be a nice man who is enjoying time with a nice woman.

Yes, he wants intellectual stimulation. But in order for him to feel romantic about you, he needs more. (And so do you, right?)

He needs to feel he’ll be accepted for who he is and be given the latitude to be imperfect. He wants to feel he can trust you and be trusted. He wants to feel like he’s appreciated. He wants to like himself and feel like a good MAN when he sees himself in your eyes. And, yes, he wants to have fun!

It may not be conscious, but it seems to me that when men make decisions about whether they want to see a woman again, they naturally tap in to their feelings and focus on how they felt during the date. (This is often something we women need to learn, which is why I teach it in Step 2 of my 6-Step System.)

After years of helping women over 40 date and fall in love, here is what I’ve learned: One of the most common reasons smart, independent women aren’t making connections on dates, aren’t attracting the men they like and are missing some good men, is because they are not making meaningful conversations.

When you are dating, or even talking to an attractive man in the supermarket, sharing information and opinions is not the same as sharing who you are.

Reciting your resume, telling him how you feel about global warming or listing the countries you visited on your latest trip is not conversation that leads to real connection. Sure, you can talk endlessly after finding out that you both like to ski. But that doesn’t give either of you any meaningful information about whether you have potential to enjoy any kind of partnership.

When you go out with someone you like, how can you make a real connection and keep him interested in a relaxed, fun and, of course, grownup way? The good news is you already have what it takes. You just need help accessing it.

Here is an exercise that will help you switch into the woman who can easily make deeper connections with the men you date:

Imagine being somewhere where you are interacting with people who bring out the best in you. People who, when you’re with them, you really like yourself. Maybe it’s a weekend getaway or a long afternoon lunch with girlfriends, maybe you’re doing your job, or with your family…but somewhere that requires give and take…interaction.

Imagine yourself there, with these people. Now…take a step back and watch yourself.

How are you being? How are you interacting? What are you doing or not doing? Watch yourself. How are you feeling…about them and about yourself? 

When I have my coaching clients do this exercise, they usually tell me they are relaxed, laughing, touching, talking, enjoying give and take, smiling, having fun, loving, playful, nurturing, open. They

How about you? Write down what you observed about yourself.

Now, imagine yourself on a first date with a man you have some interest in. How are you being with him? How are you feeling about him and about yourself?

Is it the same? Are you that same woman?

95% of the time I hear a resounding “No!”  Most women are very different on dates. More reserved maybe. Not relaxed. Not open. Maybe you’re waiting for him to make you feel safe. Maybe you are so worried about impressing him that you are caught up in your self-talk. Maybe you make decisions in the first few minutes and, if he’s not potentially The One, you turn that woman off.

I just completed co-teaching Ace the Date, a powerful telecourse exclusively for women over 40, and we really dug in to this exercise. Darcy, one of the women in the course,  had a date immediately following the session so she was able to practice what she learned about herself.

At the next class Darcy shared that she had a great time on her date. She also said that it was the first time she wasn’t exhausted driving home! (I know that feeling. I had the exact same experience once I finally understood the value of showing up as my real, whole self.) Keeping in mind who she was with her friends, Darcy gave herself permission to be herself with the man she met; regardless of what he was like.

Not only did it make her date fun, it got her a second date! And Darcy admitted that, had they had the usual conversation she used to have on dates, she wouldn’t have learned what she did about him that made her want a second date. She’s excited!

Let me assure you of something: The guys you want will like the intellectual conversation, they want you to be smart and will love that you’re independent and accomplished. You can enjoy those things about your relationship. But just remember they don’t need that from you.

Loving yourself as a WOMAN — the one who is open, shares of herself freely, laughs and nurtures — LOVING HER and being her is what attracts the confident, interesting, passionate man and, ultimately brings love into your life.

I know smart is hot, but believe me after spending time with a man who prioritizes you, shares his passions with you, shows up when he says he’s going to, focuses on making you happy and supports you in all you do…you will LOVE THAT! It is damn sexy!

For more tips on how to make meaningful connections with men, click here to read this article “The Simple Word to Use to Magnetize the Right Man.”

I WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! Do you think this will help you on dates? Can you see how this difference has affected your dating in the past? LET ME KNOW YOUR THOUGHTS.

 

 

The post What Grownup Men Really Want From You On a Date appeared first on Bobbi Palmer, Date Like a Grownup.


The Fun of Bringing Out the Best in the Men You Date

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Couple on a date

This is Nancy, Bobbi’s assistant and Grownup Girls’ Night Out producer. I’m guest-blogging today while Bobbi is taking well-deserved vacation.

We had an amazing response to last week’s post “A Man-Fan’s Fiercely Honest Story of Dating after 50.” In the article, “LM” described his experience dating as a man in his 50s; and they were not positive at all. (And btw, LM dates women who are generally within a few years of his age.)

So many women wrote to say that they saw parts of themselves in the women “LM” was describing. Some copped to being a bit of the Wow Me Woman, the hot/cool/cold woman when they get too busy, the Scaredy Cat or the woman who gives mixed messages because, well, she is confused. Fear does that to us.

Like Bobbi says, awareness of your actions that may be creating negative results is a huge step forward in this journey. As she also reminds you, it’s not about having to remake yourself in order to find grownup love. You are enough. It’s about making some shifts in perspective (a.k.a. learning new truths), acquiring new dating skills, clearing out any lingering bitterness and letting go of your fear of [fill-in-the-blank].

Most of the comments we received after we posted the article said that you would love to date LM. I have to be honest: I wonder if that’s true.

It’s kind of a cliché to say you just want a nice guy who is fun, financially stable and decent looking. But is that REALLY true? Are you still waiting to be dazzled? Or waiting for him to change himself somehow so he meets some expectation of yours? Or maybe you’re expecting him to climb (what Bobbi so aptly calls) your Wall of I Dare You?”

After reading about LMs dating experiences, I hope you realize that men can be shell-shocked too. Do you show up on your dates (or in the world) as the woman who lets the LMs of the world just be who they are? Can you be the one who lets LM relax and feel safe so he can show you how kind and interesting he is…and how anxious he is to make a deep connection and share his life with a wonderful woman?

I predict that the first woman like that – one who lets LM be himself and be her hero – will be walking down the aisle with him sooner than later. Mark my words!

Bobbi’s contention is that there are tons of “LMs” out there, and there are specific skills you can learn to help you get to know them at a deeper level quickly. That way you don’t miss the good guys. And you also don’t have to take multiple dates over weeks and weeks before you realize a guys is not for you.

As a woman, you have the magnificent power to bring out the best in the men you meet.

If he is an LM who is dating shell-shocked and maybe a little self protective, you can get to his true, wonderful nature pretty quickly.

This is exactly what Bobbi focused on when she conducted her Bootcamp with the women on the Today Show. And it’s what she is going to bring to YOU starting this Friday. You will learn to lead with kindness to yourself and the men you date, balance your head and heart, and take responsibility for your outcomes. (These are her 3 Pinnacles of Dating Like a Grownup.)

If you are feeling frustrated or stymied, or just kinda tired of all this crazy mid-life dating and more than ready to meet the one, I get it! I went through the mid-life dating gauntlet myself and it wasn’t until I got into the “discover, don’t decide” mode that things finally clicked.

My husband and I dated for many months before we decided we wanted to be together. We stayed in discovery mode for a lot longer than I ever had before, and frankly I was a bit out of my comfort zone. Thanks to my therapist, (like with Bobbi, there were no dating coaches to help at that time) I was able to slowly let our relationship unfold.

Before, I’d always had fallen in love pretty quickly, almost before I truly knew the man. And that never worked.
This time around I was determined to do what it took to be in a happy, stable marriage. (Yes, a grownup one.) Our relationship was a slow burn and still is, 18 years later. And I wouldn’t have it any other way!

LM tells the story of how so many women expect to be wowed on the first date, or play hard to get games, or can’t get beyond their hurt and fear to relax and let him in. He told the story of how many women are completely missing the opportunity to get to know him…and that makes him not just a little angry, but sad. (Sound familiar?)

I hope you’re not that woman. I hope you’re the woman who can bring out the best in the men you meet. And I hope you’re the woman who knows how to set yourself up for success on every single date. It’s a gift you can give men, but more importantly, give yourself. Because when you can do this, you will know if the man you’re with may be good for you and you’ll be able to relax with him, enjoy him and make a deep connection. When you can do that, you will absolutely magnetize the right men as your eyes open to all the opportunity for love that Bobbi and I see for you”

We want to hear what you think! How do you feel about helping to bring out the best in men? Are you able to? Are you willing to? Do you see how that can improve your love life?

(If you haven’t yet read LMs thoughts on dating, now is a good time. It’s eye-opening.)

The post The Fun of Bringing Out the Best in the Men You Date appeared first on Bobbi Palmer, Date Like a Grownup.

The Secret to Learning About His Past Relationships (Without Ruining Yours)

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man and woman backs turned

The general belief is that you learn a lot about someone by knowing their relationship history. Find out the details about his marriages and romances that didn’t work out, and you’ll get a good idea of whether he’s relationship-worthy, right?

When we’re dating after 40, the men we’re meeting have decades of this history. They can (and do) tell stories for hours! But here is my opinion: The stories are meaningless.

I’ve been married to my wonderful husband for about eight years and we have spent a total of maybe three hours talking about his past marriages. And that’s just the way I want it.

MARGIE’S STORY

When we’re dating after 40, the men we’re meeting have decades of history. They can (and do) tell stories for hours! But here is my opinion:

The stories are meaningless.

I’m currently coaching a wonderful client, Margie, who is going on her third date with a new guy. Margie is 58 and widowed, her guy “Bob’ is 62 with two divorces   behind him. She likes him, but she’s dying to know more about his failed marriages.

Margie has been an ideal client. As we do the inner work of my first three steps of my 6-Step System,  as “man-shop” online together and as we carefully debrief all her dates, she takes in my information and expert advice and immediately applies it to her life…even if it’s a little scary or vastly different from what she has ever done.

So with dating Bob, Margie has followed my very important tip of not oversharing, and not letting him overshare either. She has learned to manage conversations with men quite skillfully. (Maybe that’s one reason they are on their third date? Just sayin’.)

Margie understands that the purpose of dating is to discover what you can about your guy and share what you want him to know about you. While that discovery begins from the moment you connect, it’s important to delay asking or sharing too much too soon. (Read about my “bushel basket” theory to learn why this is so important.)

Date three is generally a good time to start deciding about how you might feel with him as a long term partner. (Notice I said “start deciding.” Gathering the information you need can take time.) You want to start getting a sense of how he handles adversity, his views on relationship roles and responsibilities, his ability to communicate his needs and respond to the needs of others…you know, the stuff that makes for a solid grownup relationship.

Margie wanted to know all this and thought that getting him to talk about his divorces was how to find out. She asked me how to bring up the topic and how much could reasonably ask him.

I get this question almost every day as I’m guiding women through their dating journey. Even women who are well into a longterm relationship still want to know their guy’s story of his breakup long ago. Women want to know how to dig into men’s past, but how to do it without sounding too nosey or overstepping.

Here are my very specific guidelines to help Margie and you learn about your man’s past in a way that is respectful yet direct, and gets you the real juicy information you need:

1.  Focus on him, not his relationships.

A relationship is a “thing.” These are actually three separate entities:
Him, Her and the Relationship.

In the spirit of discovering what this man is made of and how he might fit into your life, you want to learn out about HIM – not the relationship and certainly not her.

Wouldn’t it help you the most to know how his relationships formed who he is today? What did he learn? How did it make him a better person? What will he use of his past to make his future (potentially with you) brighter and better?

Knowing that his wife drank too much, that they just grew apart or that he was unhappy for 5 years before finally divorcing gives you very little insight into who he is today. (My husband’s first marriage was when he was 19. If I was judged on what I did at that age I doubt anyone would even want to be my friend.)

You can learn these things about him by asking questions like: What are some things you learned from your past relationships? What were the positive aspects? How does having been in that relationship make you who you are today? What will you do differently?

Do you see the difference? No war stories…just learning more about him.

And here’s are a couple extra tips:

  • Men think before they talk! Many women process verbally, but most men don’t. So when you ask these types of questions, give him time to think before he answers. Literally, ask the question then be quiet. Silence is ok…in fact men value it. ☺
  • It is not a good sign if, after thinking about it there is nothing positive he can say or doesn’t have a clue as to what he got out of the relationship. Red flag!

2.  Be ready to share meaningful information about yourself, in a positive light.

Model for him what sharing about oneself in this way is like. “One important thing I learned after my marriage broke up was…..” And don’t finish that sentence with something like “I’ll never trust a man again.” Set a positive, open tone that lets him know what you’ve learned and how you’ve grown. (And by the way, if your answer is the trust thing, you shouldn’t be dating or in a relationship yet, sister.)

Tell the truth, but be sure to share the ultimate positive that affects who you are today. “My breakup was difficult for me but I finally learned…which has helped me so much in relationships ever since.”

This is a perfect opportunity to get in some of your nuggets about what kind of mate you want to be and what kind of relationship you value. (Nuggets are magical pieces of information that help men get to know you in a remarkable way.)

Please do some careful thinking about how you want to express yourself honestly and be prepared to share. Because when you open up this topic, it’s a fantastic opportunity to dig deep and get to know very meaningful facets of each other’s personality, lifestyle preferences, problem solving skills, etc.

3.  Do not go down the TMI rabbit hole!

I talked earlier about Margie learning how to manage conversation with men. This is a powerful skill. When you do this, you can stop this from turning into a “let’s bash our exes” session. It’s tempting, I know, especially if you have common stories such as being cheated on, or exes with substance abuse issues. Check yourself and him and keep the conversation positive and about YOURSELVES, not your exes or the relationship.

If you find the conversation going “there” you can redirect with something like “When it was finally over, what did you learn from the experience?” or “How does that experience affect your dating life now?” If he can’t see anything positive or if, after you redirect he keeps talking about “her” that is a clue he hasn’t moved on…so you should!

4.  You both have the right to keep certain things private – forever.

There are things about my past relationships that I’ve never shared with Larry (and vice-versa I’m sure) and probably never will. And we are both OK with that. Sometimes what happened in the past should just stay there. Here we are in our 40s, 50s, 60s and beyond. Do we really need to know about the stupid stuff we did 30 years ago? I think not.


It’s perfectly wise to want to know as much as you can about a man in order to make a good decision about whether he’d be a good mate for you. But the time for this deeper discussion has to be right and it’s NOT on the first date.

When the time is right to learn more, keep your questions about him, and keep your comments about you. And as long as neither one of you goes down the TMI rabbit hole, this conversation will be positive a turning point in your relationship… one way or another!

Now…can you tell me how you’ve been doing this in the past and how that has worked? And how will doing it this way help you? I’d love to hear from you!

The post The Secret to Learning About His Past Relationships (Without Ruining Yours) appeared first on Bobbi Palmer, Date Like a Grownup.

Single? Avoid the Holiday Blues by Celebrating Yourself

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Smiling beautiful midlife woman

This time of year is spectacular. We get to eat more, work less, shop till we drop, and frolic with friends and family. It’s a time of reflection; and as we count our blessings, we may also think about what’s missing in our otherwise fulfilled lives.

When I was single, the holidays put me in a bit of a funk. With no one to take to parties or make out with at midnight, I was reminded of what I still wanted in my life: a loving man.

Now I’m married and grateful to have a magnificent man in my life. But as I talk to my single girlfriends and coach my clients, I feel for them; and I can still feel my sadness and disappointment as if it was yesterday.

It may be just moments: a flash of “Will I ever have a man to share the holidays with?” But for most of us it does come. And it can be painful.

Here are tips that I wish I had received when I was single and facing the holidays. This is about YOU making the best of the time for yourself and for other.

1.  Make Plans.

My best advice to single women any time of year is to create their best life possible. If you’re not yet doing that for yourself, start now. Don’t wait for invitations or others to entertain you. Connect with old friends, throw a dinner party, sign up to volunteer, plan a girls’ weekend, go to your local bookstore and read a great book.

Make a list of five places you can go to possibly meet other singles who share your passions or interests.

Don’t stay in the background; get out there! This is actually a great time of year to be out and about looking for connections — both with men and women. Oh! And you’ll enjoy your time!

2.  Express Your Wishes.

If this is the time of year you are grilled about your love life – and it drives you nuts – clearly tell your family how you feel and ask that they skip the interrogation this year.

As a single woman, gift giving may have inequalities or unrealistic expectations. Talk to your family members about picking a name, sharing gift giving, or going on an outing instead of buying “stuff.”

3.  Take Care of Yourself: Body and Soul.

You should always do this, but this is the time you have an “excuse” to go for it and pamper yourself! Have a massage, sleep until noon, splurge on an overpriced pair of shoes, see two movies in a row and order popcorn at each.

Create a nice environment for yourself. Decorate your home, or bake to fill your home with yummy smells.

If you think it will help you, chat with a therapist or coach. Let that person work with you to realize your feelings and make plans. This is a luxury you may not always allow yourself.

4.  Do Unto Others.

Volunteer your time, offer to help an elderly family member or friend do their holiday shopping, or send loving and generous cards to the people you care about. Giving of yourself and feeling appreciated will provide a great boost to your holiday spirits.

5.  Don’t Force Things.

Don’t have a first date at your company holiday party or invite a man you’ve just started dating to your family gathering. It may ease your tension about what you want for the holiday season, but it may also ruin your chances going forward with someone you like. You shouldn’t fabricate or rush things at other times of year, and there’s no exception here.

Wherever you are in your relationship: maintain it. Don’t push it.

6. A Date May Just Be a Date.

If you have a date, don’t overthink it. Avoid misunderstandings by keeping it in perspective. When a man shares time with you during the holidays, that’s generally what he’s doing: sharing time with you. The meaning women tend to put into this is often not shared by men. If he agrees to go with you to your parties or even takes you to his, it means he likes spending time with you. Enjoy it and be glad he likes your company, but don’t give it more importance that it warrants.

7.  Remember that You’re Not Alone.

The idea that the holidays have the highest rate of depression and suicide seems to be untrue. But people do have issues: family, money, spouses, and dates can all be extra challenging this time of year.

Don’t hesitate to share feelings – good and bad – with friends. You’ll probably be doing a friend a favor if you opened up. She may want to talk about her feelings as well.

8.  Practice Gratitude.

Write a list of all the things for which you are grateful in your life. Include people, things, experiences, dreams and possibilities. Read your list every day and add to it as you learn new things.

9. Nurture Your Relationships.

Openly share your gratitude and appreciation of the important people in your life. If you’re not accustomed to doing this or are uncomfortable doing it, write a letter and give it them as their holiday present.

10.  Put Yourself Out There.

Get online, join a singles wine club or volunteer organization, go to a singles event, etc. If you’ve been waiting…just do it! This is the best gift you can give yourself. It doesn’t mean you’ll meet Mr. I Love You tomorrow, but you’ll feel love and pride in yourself just by making the move.

Happy holidays! And remember…be good to yourself!

The post Single? Avoid the Holiday Blues by Celebrating Yourself appeared first on Bobbi Palmer, Date Like a Grownup.

Why He Won’t Commit or Stop Being a Jerk (And What to Do About It)

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Man Portrait Smiling malicious

I recently posted an article on my Date Like a Grownup Facebook Page called 12 Signs You’re Involved with an Unavailable Man, written by  Dr. Judy Orloff, This is an important discussion about how to identify a romantic partner who may be Emotionally Unavailable.

Geez these “EU” men can really mess us up, right?

EU men can be quite charming and seductive. They can come on strong and sweep us off our feet, then proceed to disappear or string us along. They can confuse the crap out of us. I confess that I wasted plenty of time and tears on these guys in my single days.

One thing the author wrote really stood out to me. Here is what she said:

“It helps to understand that unavailable people rarely choose to be this way. It’s an unconscious defense against trauma or some emotional wounding of the past.”

Most guys don’t sit and strategize how to mislead you into believing you have a future, only to dump you. Nor do they plan to be disinterested because they are too caught up in themselves. They just do it. It’s who they are…

Hmmm. You could replace the word “unavailable” with other descriptors like needy, controlling, depressed, self-involved, immature, narcissistic … and that would describe some of the aggravating jerks that we’ve come across, right?

These types of guys can really piss us off, wound us badly and even make us feel like we are a kind of victim.

Though most mature women would never admit to being the v-word, it’s what I see in my coaching work almost every day. After she gets dumped or a guy disappears, she feels angry, confused and helpless. She asks me over and over ‘what can I do?’

As a coach, I help her understand that 1) getting on with her great life is all she should do next, and 2) he really didn’t do anything TO HER.

Ms. Orloff is right. As unkind as these men may seem, it’s phenomenally important to remember that their behavior usually comes from an unconscious defense against something that has happened to them in their past.

Most guys don’t sit and strategize how to mislead you into believing you have a future, only to dump you. Nor do they plan to be disinterested because they are too caught up in themselves. They just do it. It’s who they are; either at that time in life or forever.

How about moving on with understanding…and with your heart and self-esteem intact?

Can you see how helpful it can be to remember this; to know that most men who you feel hurt by are not choosing to be this way and, more importantly, are not choosing to do it specifically to YOU?

Most are just making decisions and doing the best they can in the moment given their past life experience, how they process it and what they believe to be true.

When I think about the times in my life that I’ve hurt or upset someone by my actions, which sadly was not uncommon in my younger years, I know that I couldn’t have done anything else in that moment other than what I did.

In those moments I did the very best I could with what I had going on in my life, in my heart and in my head. The treatment they received from me wasn’t about them; it really was all about me. In hindsight I can now see what I might have done differently, but sometimes that hindsight took years to come into view.

Do you see how freeing it can be to really, truly internalize and believe this? How much less sadness, stress and guilt you will feel when you find yourself choosing to feel hurt about what some guy did to you? (Yes, I believe it is a choice.)

Can you see yourself getting there [First Name]?

Thinking back to the man who done you wrong, the guy who keeps breaking promises or the one who just can’t step up the way you want him to (whether you’ve been with him for months or you emailed him last week)…can you see where he may have just been doing his best with no malice intended?

Can you be okay with knowing that his behavior isn’t really about YOU?

Because all you can do is be your best with men, and take care of yourself.

None of this means you need to keep men like this in your life. No way.

If you feel confused, sad or undervalued by a man…and you’ve asked for what you need, don’t spend another moment thinking about him or being with him.

But don’t take his actions personally. Choose to move away, without resentment. Unburdened. Choose feeling some understanding, compassion and finally, detachment.

So much freer, so much less stress, right?

And when you allow yourself to do this, you are left with the emotional and physical energy you need to move on and move closer to Your One. He may be right around the corner.

Letting go. What a nice way to start the summer.

The post Why He Won’t Commit or Stop Being a Jerk (And What to Do About It) appeared first on Bobbi Palmer, Date Like a Grownup.

What Turns Men On About Moms, Caretakers and Workaholics

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Do you feel stuck in some definition of yourself that you think renders you undatable or uninteresting to men? I received a comment in response to my blog post Just Be Yourself And You Will Easily Attract The Right Man that was all about this. Give it a read, especially if you are dating after 40 and worry that you aren’t the woman that grownup men are looking for.

Dear Bobbi,

I’ve been subscribed to your newsletter/ blog for ages and really identify with your previous self as I know many other women do. But I was married and have 3 gorgeous daughters They are my success and no prospective partner really wants to hear my journey raising them over the past 20 years coz that is really all I have done.
Cheers,
Marisa

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Hi Marisa! I’m going to challenge what you said about “it’s all” you have done. Raising good children is the most important, difficult and meaningful job in the world. It’s a huge accomplishment. In order to do it you must have patience, and creativity, and resourcefulness, and compassion, and courage and LOVE (just to name a few attributes). Those are qualities men are looking for in women.

It’s not what you’ve DONE it’s who you ARE. I think you’re stuck in some false belief that you have to be some exciting mountain climber to snag a man. For most men, they want you to be a wonderful woman who is kind, smart (which I know you are because you’re here!) and able to be a loving, fun partner. That’s you, isn’t it?

I’m sure you have a list of things you’re now looking forward to doing that the right man would love to do with you.. Men love being able to introduce their partner to new things and explore new things together. Time to consider SHIFTING any false belief here, Marisa. Go out, be that woman that your daughters love…I bet she’s gorgeous too!! Hugs, Bp

I’ve been thinking some more about Marisa’s note to me because I hear variations on this theme from so many women. Women who have full, challenging lives but also feel they don’t have enough to say to a man.

I’m here to tell you that you don’t have to speak four languages or scuba dive or have two master’s degrees to make interesting conversation with a man. But you do have to be in touch with who you “are,” not just with what you “do.”

Marisa is right when she says that a prospective partner does not want to hear (too much) about her children. Guys want to see you as a sensual, feminine being, and staying in mommy/caretaker/business woman mode…these all kill this feeling for them. It prevents them from seeing you as a Woman. (Caps intended.)

What he does want to hear about is your life experience from YOUR perspective. How you learned how creative you are after volunteering at the school fundraisers, and how much money you helped. Or how, after raising three girls, you could write a book about nurturing communication, conflict resolution and empathy. You definitely want to tell him how proud you are of raising three independent, kind young women AND how excited you are for this new phase in your life.

The important thing is that YOU see yourself as more than just your kid’s mother – or your company’s employee, or your parent’s caregiver. That you are in touch with and can express yourself as a whole human being…someone with talent, personality, dreams, relationships, opinions and accomplishments.

If you feel stuck on this, try asking your friends and family about how they see you. What qualities do they notice and admire in you? What do they love about you? As them when they think of you what images pop up? What do they think you have to offer a romantic relationship? Yes, this can be a little scary to do, but trust me, it will be a magnificent experience for you! I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised when you see yourself in a their light.

Whether you’ve been spending your prior years as a mommy, a care-giver or a worker-bee, I understand that it’s difficult to see yourself as anything else. Remember, above all you are a unique, special WOMAN.

Take some time and get to know her. I bet you’ll see a multi-dimensional woman? And when you do, he will too.

 

 

 

 

 

The post What Turns Men On About Moms, Caretakers and Workaholics appeared first on Bobbi Palmer, Date Like a Grownup.

5 Things Grownup Women Should Know About Texting and Dating

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woman with white phone

Over the past few years it seems that almost every dating dilemma I hear from my coaching clients and girlfriends has something to do with texting. Texting isn’t just for 20 year olds anymore. These are all women who are dating after 40.  

“Sue” connected with a man on Tinder, they had a couple emails, and then he started texting. He sent her pictures of the baseball game he attended. He told her about his crappy day at work. She told him about her car trouble and he responded ‘why didn’t you ask me to come help?’

Then they had a coffee date. It went well. The texting went on. They “talked” on and off all day. He complimented her and made her laugh. He told her how busy he was and she felt flattered that he was keeping in touch. 

The next week the texts tapered, and then he stopped responding. She asks me “I thought he was so in to me. What should I do???”

“Lila’s” guy told her all these wonderful things and poured his heart out via texts for two weeks. But he never followed through with an actual in person date. She wants to know what that means.

“Melissa” stayed up until 3 AM texting with her dude. They had one date three weeks prior, and since it’s only been texting. But it is so romantic! She is falling for him. She wants to know how to stop obsessing over him being The One.

Texting has certainly complicated dating and relationships. I’m going to give you some straight scoop about what texting really means and doesn’t mean. And, most importantly, how you can take control of the situation – like a grownup!

The only thing you should assume when you’re getting a bunch of texts is that the guy is having fun flirting with you. He’s feeling entertained and he’s enjoying your responsiveness.

1. Texting is NOT dating.

Do not assume that getting a bunch of texts from a guy means you are having a relationship. You’re not even dating. If a man is choosing to only text or primarily text, he’s not showing signs of wanting to get to know you in a meaningful way.

The only thing you should assume when you’re getting a bunch of texts is that the guy is having fun flirting with you. He’s feeling entertained and he’s enjoying your responsiveness.

Sure, he wouldn’t be spending any time if he wasn’t attracted to you, but if he’s solely texting, he doesn’t think of you as a potential partner. Expecting him to move on to something more serious isn’t realistic. In fact, it usually means quite the opposite. These guys disappear.

Why they disappear doesn’t matter. Whether it’s because they found someone else, were just playing or because they got scared — that’s 100% immaterial. You know what you need to know: he isn’t a good, grownup man worth your time. 

There are so many ways to know if a man is a serious guy who is interested in getting to know you. He steps up by calling and settings up dates. He tries to learn about you and your life. He makes an effort to spend time with you. He does little things to try to make you happy. 

If you are like Sue, Lila or Melissa, here is what you need to know: Continuous texting, when void of in-person meeting, creates a false sense of connection. You feel like you are getting to know one another, but that is not what’s happening.

A text ‘relationship’ is simply like being a player in a game. It can easily create a fantasy and draw you in. It sets up incredibly unrealistic expectations, and with no tonality in messages, creates enormous opportunities to misread and misunderstand intent. 

Be aware, keep your emotions in check and stay in reality. You don’t know him. And keep reading here to learn how to get the texter to move on to the phone or an in-person date.   

(Want to learn more about how to know when a man is really interested? You can watch my free webcast How to Know When He’s Into You. )

2. Some men use texting to string you along…period. 

If you are getting texts along with calls and dates, then excellent! He’s interested in getting to know you and likely looking for a relationship.

But if there is no actual in-person contact – beware!

You probably know the guy who texts once in a while as a kind of check in. He tells you how much he likes you and even acts super interested in your life. He flirts. He says how busy he is and how he’d really love to see you soon. And it ends there.

That guy is what I call a “pinger.”

Pingers want an ego boost. They text you and, when you respond positively, get the high of knowing that you’re still a willing option when (and if) he wants to actually spend time with you.

With just ten minutes time and a few well chosen keystrokes, a good pinger can keep you interested for months, even years…without so much as one date. (This happens with telephone calls too.)

If you are involved with a pinger, girlfriend, you need to end that so-called relationship right now.  You can read more about pingers and learn what you can do with them by reading this article : Dating the (Somewhat) Disappearing Man.

3.  Texting is generally for boys, not men.   

If you haven’t met him yet and he’s texting to see if you can get together on short notice, don’t be flattered. He’s either impulsive or, more likely, using you as a back-up girl when his other plans fell through.

If you like him and are willing to give him a chance, then respond with a positive ‘thank you but no thank you.” You want to say something like this: 

“It would be great to see you, Bob, but I have plans tonight. Love to get together with a little more notice next time. Enjoy your evening.”

Put it out there and see what happens. A grownup guy who truly wants to know you will get the message and ask you out ahead of time. A player or user guy will text you again in a few weeks wanting to see you that night. Take it for what it is – he’s probably not serious about dating and he’s going down his list, hoping you bite. Don’t answer.

4. Texting does have a positive place in dating.

Texting can be a great complement to real dating. For instance, it’s a great way to clarify plans or make last minute updates to the plan.

A man who wants a healthy, mature connection will make every effort to show you he’s interested and to actually see you in person. Why? Because that’s how men decide if they like you. It’s all about how he FEELS when he’s with you, and he knows it. So if he’s looking for something more than one fun night, a good man will do what he can to impress you by asking you out, and then be in your presence.

Texting is also good for a quick “had a nice time” or “sleep well” note following a nice date. Or a “looking forward to slurping spaghetti with you Friday.”  Let him know you’re thinking of him and appreciate him. Make it simple, and leave it there. If you don’t hear back, move on. 

5. If he’s a grownup good guy, you can kindly get him off texting. 

I can see why even good, solid, single men love texting. If he sees your picture and profile and wants to meet you, the hunter in him wants to get directly to the result: meeting you. This is also true of some women I know. They feel that chatting first just gets in the way and would rather skip the phone and/or email.

But I’ll say it again, doing a bunch of texting first creates an unrealistic sense of connection. If you want a little more, like a phone call first, it’s up to you to get off the texting treadmill and ask for what you want. And if he is serious about meeting a woman for a real relationship, he will step up. 

How do you do that? Simply say something like this if he seems to be stuck on texting:

“It would be great to hear the voice connected to these great texts and emails. I’d love a phone call when you’ve got time. Hope that works for you! 555-1212.”

OR

“Thanks for getting in touch. I’d like to get to know you but I find texting isn’t the best way. But catching up with you over coffee might be ;).”

So…the bottom line on texting and dating is this: use texting sparingly, wisely and, most of all, don’t read too much into it. Remember, real life and real love happen in person, smile to smile, touch to touch. Not on your phone or your computer.

I would LOVE to hear your texting stories and answer your questions about how to make it work for you while dating or in your relationship. Leave me your comments below.

The post 5 Things Grownup Women Should Know About Texting and Dating appeared first on Bobbi Palmer, Date Like a Grownup.

What Dating After 40 Is Like for Men (The 6 FemiTypes)

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Man kissin woman boomer

I love men. People ask me all the time whether I offer dating and relationship coaching for single men. I don’t. But I tell them that I help men by helping women. (It really is ALL about you!) One of the most transformational ways I support women is by helping you better understand GROWNUP men. Just like women, the men you’re dating have lived and learned. So I thought I’d tell you about the experience men have when they’re trying to “date like a grownup.”

If you’ve read my eBook, you know that I believe strongly that empathizing with men is absolutely essential to your dating and relationship success. The definition of empathy is “the power of understanding and imaginatively entering into another person’s feelings. So the only way you really can empathize is to know their side of the story.

Men and women are different in many ways, but we’re more the same than you may think. And this is especially true as we get older. We all have dating disappointments and horror stories. Just like how you’ve dated your share of challenging types of men like the Pinger, the Couch Potato and the older-and-balder-than-his-profile-guy…men also meet and enter into relationships with less-than-impressive types of women.

I’ve talked to countless single men over the years about their experiences with women, especially those in their 40s, 50s and beyond. In the following days I’m going to give you some of their stories of dating after 40 and relationships. (Guys, if you’re reading this…get in touch if you want to share!)

Just like we can meet the same types of guy over and over, men can do the same with women. Here are some of the types of women men deal with as they date and relate.

The Princess  The Princess is confident, well put together, and very attractive. She easily lures in men. She still follows “The Rules” and requires that her man do what she wants, when she wants. He needs to make all the right moves. She’s a scorekeeper, and she alone decides when he’s given enough to satisfy her…or when he hasn’t and is history.

The Princess has an “I deserve it” attitude and has little or no concern for how she can make the other person happy. She insists he give and give with little or no reciprocity; after all, he’s the The Man and she’s his prize!

The 18 Year Old  The 18 year old dates – sometimes a lot – but she doesn’t have relationships because “she doesn’t want the men who want her, and the men she wants don’t want her.”  She doesn’t know what will make her happy and has not yet learned how to communicate and relate to grownup men. By default she clings to the same type of guy she wanted in high school or college. He’s often the “Bad Boy” because he excites her. (See the Wow Me Woman below.)

The nice, relationship-minded men get quickly discarded by the 18 year old. Try as he might, the 60-year-old fabulous guy can’t measure up to her expectations because she’s looking for a man who doesn’t exist. She gets stuck in affairs with men who never commit, and it’s often the nice guys who are interested in her who bear the brunt of her hurt and anger.

The Scaredy Cat  The Scaredy Cat has been emotionally wounded by men in the past, and she can’t let go of it. She mistrusts men and often blames herself for the rejection she’s felt, believing that she just wasn’t good enough. She says things like “I need him to say he wants a relationship, and then I’ll open up,” or “Once he gets to know me, he probably won’t like me.”

The Scaredy Cat may put her guy through lots of tests before she feels confident that he’s truly interested. When he passes those tests or shows he has feelings for her, she questions it and might up the ante. She picks fights, picks the wrong guys, or maneuvers relationships to end because it gives her control.

This “I’m never going to find a good relationship” gal leaves men unable to get any traction during courting or in a relationship. The wall she has erected is just too high for him to climb in order to get to the other side. Since trust and affection are what men yearn for from women, he usually does her a favor and leaves…hence rendering her “right” once again.

The Wow Me Woman   The Wow Me Woman is a midlife gal who still thinks that excitement is the key to judging if a guy is a good match.  She’s looking for her guy to be interesting, keep her laughing, ask her all about herself, and give her butterflies…all on the first date. If she’s not swept away, there won’t be a second.

The Wow Me Woman leaves many good men in her dust. Men sense her quick judgment, which leaves them feeling deflated, unattractive and powerless. That man then makes a poor impression (understandably), and the date is chalked up to another “he just wasn’t right for me” experience. The Wow Me Woman is often single for a very, very long time.

The Bitter Gal  The Bitter Gal is angry — usually about everything, but especially about men. She’ll find fault with every man she meets. A guy never has a chance, even he is the nicest guy in the world and really likes her. (Which usually doesn’t last very long since, no matter how pretty and smart she is, she is no fun to be around.)

The truth is that The Bitter Gal has been playing the victim for most (if not all) of her life. Her life isn’t going the way she wants and she just can’t figure out why. With men, she might complain that they just “don’t get her,” but the truth is that she’s giving them every reason to head for the hills with her off-handed comments and negativity. She hasn’t mastered the life skill of introspection, so she’s blinded by her bitterness. It doesn’t occur to her that she might be the problem even though every date and relationship seems to end the same way. Though a nice guy might try to break through and prove her wrong about men, he will give up out of exhaustion.

The Sexpot  The Sexpot is all about putting out the sex vibe. She believes her sexuality is the only way she can attract a man, or she wants this point in her life to be a series of sexual experiences. Either way, she’s not connecting with men. She posts a provocative picture on her online dating profile, invites him over to her house on the first date, shows too much skin (especially for a woman over 40), and is overly familiar with her affection.

The Sexpot offers herself up on the first date and is offended if her date doesn’t partake. Men who are looking just for sex will say yes. Relationship-minded men may also say “yes” even though they may feel somewhat emasculated or turned off by her aggressiveness. (They are men, after all.) She won’t get a call from either of these guys and forever wonder why since she thinks she gave him what he wants.


You know that dating at this stage of life (Or any, for that matter!) is not exactly a rose garden every moment. When you appreciate the same is true for the men you date, it will go a long way toward building compassion and, therefore, building relationships.

Most every man has his set of dating bumps and bruises. Next post I will share more about the women they date along with some of their personal stories.


To read about the first Femitype — The Princess — click here.

And, hey…I want to know what you think! Do you see yourself in any of these? And men, I SO want to hear from you! Agree or disagree, we can learn from you. Thanks!

The post What Dating After 40 Is Like for Men (The 6 FemiTypes) appeared first on Bobbi Palmer, Date Like a Grownup.


Are You Scaring Yourself Out of Love? (FemiType #3: The Scaredy Cat)

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Two Women

We all know that dating over 40 can be a bit of a jungle with challenges, surprises and pitfalls. I’m sure you’ve encountered your share of Pingers, Needy-men and Players as you meet single men. I get it, and you belong to a large, loving sisterhood. But it’s not only us gals who have dating disasters. Men have their fair share of icky, confusing, ego-crushing experiences too.

In my ongoing effort to help you empathize with those nutty creatures with whom we’re trying so hard to connect, I’m showing you my 6 “FemiTypes”: the over-40 women men date who send them running for the hills.

(Btw, I know that many of my readers are under 40. To you, this will either be super helpful or a stern warning as to what not to do as you “mature.”)

Previously I’ve introduced you to The Princess and The 18 Year Old.* Today you’ll learn about The Scaredy Cat.

Deep down, The Scaredy Cat feels unworthy and afraid to receive love and attention, especially from potential romantic partners. She has been wounded by past relationships and hasn’t been able to move on emotionally. While she carries these wounds below the surface and they aren’t there for all to see, given the proper trigger (like a man not calling exactly when he says he will), her fear can take center stage at a moment’s notice.

She operates from contradictory perspectives: “I don’t deserve a good guy” and/or “There are no single good guys.” Because she says she will never open up herself to be hurt again, she makes her guy jump through all kinds of hoops to prove he’s okayand won’t hurt her. She needs him to show interest first. But when he does show his feelings, she questions it and ups the ante or runs.

When The Scaredy Cat perceives that she’s being let down, her walls go up and she overreacts. She projects her expectations into the future because this somehow helps her feel like she has some control. (She usually doesn’t actually know this.) She sees problems that exist only in her mind. She can’t relax and just get to know a man because she’s too busy picking every moment apart and questioning everything. She picks the bad guys because she’s familiar with them and (perhaps subconsciously) they prove her right.

CHARLES’ STORY

“I ended what could have potentially been a relationship with a woman because she just wouldn’t get in the game. I’d do things like tell her I had a nice time and liked being with her, and she would respond with ‘Thanks.’ I’d compliment her and she’d shrug or give me some bulls*t about how it wasn’t true. All these ways I tried to let her know I was interested…and she just wasn’t buying it.

“Then, after about four weeks of dating, I had to cancel our plans for the weekend. She hardly let me tell her what was going on before she unloaded on me. I explained this ridiculous deadline my boss had given me, and she says ‘Fine…just call when you have time for me.’ The attitude was like: how dare you…like I was some kind of jerk.

“She emailed me a nice note after the call, but that was it for me. I really liked her but after that attack, forget it. It was way too much work, and I’m not going to pass tests or constantly have to prove myself to anyone. I actually still think about her and wonder how she’s doing. But I’m really glad I moved on.”

Charles was really digging this gal and hanging in, hoping she would accept his interest. But when he canceled their plans she probably had her dating life flash before her, remembering the feelings from the hundreds of times she’d been lied to or dumped in the past. (In truth there were probably only a few times, and whether she really was being lied to or dumped is up for interpretation.) She was going to make him pay for all the men who “done her wrong.”

So The Scaredy Cat unleashes on this guy. She’s probably used this shoot-first-and-ask-questions-later-you-better-not-hurt-me approach ton of times before.

Understandably, Charles is overwhelmed and a little pissed off by her unbending and over-emotional approach to the situation. Coupled with her inability to accept his overtures and just enjoy getting to know one another, he wants no part of it.

For sure The Scaredy Cat has dated or even married immature, selfish and/or unkind men in the past. If she’s like many women, she probably had a couple real creeps early on and is just repeating the pattern. In my experience, the truth is that the real bad guys in her life add up to maybe 10; and when you’re in your 40s, 50s or beyond, that’s really not a lot. Yet The Scaredy Cat uses those few guys to represent the entire species.

(As a recovering Scaredy Cat, I get this big time. It wasn’t until my 40s that I came to understand that real men weren’t like the two jerky man-boys who broke my heart early on: one when I was a teenager and the other in my 20s. It took me many years to learn that most men were awesome…and so was I!)

Because her defenses are so sky high, The Scaredy Cat turns away good guys whom she prematurely judges to be “just like all the others.” She tosses aside his compliments and attention. She focuses a very bright light on the one or two things that don’t meet her expectations. She is always looking for a sign that he’s slipped up and shown her that he’s just like all the rest.

When The Scaredy Cat overreacts to some perceived insult or omission on a man’s part, he’s blind-sided by her emotions. He probably ends it as fast as he can and voila…once again she is proven right: all men are______(fill in the blank).

Then her play can start all over again with the next guy. She’s living out a self-fulfilling prophecy of “I’m not good enough and all men suck.”

When a guy like Charles dates a Scaredy Cat, he can feel confused or just plain uninterested. His attempts to please her go unappreciated, and his emotional generosity is one-sided. The brick wall she has erected is just too high for him to climb; and since they barely know each other, it’s very easy for him to just leave.  (I used to call my wall the “Wall of I Dare You!” You can read about it in my eBook.)

Men need to feel appreciated and trusted. (This is huge!) They need to know that they’re enhancing your life. When The Scaredy Cat doesn’t receive well, holds back emotionally, and freaks out over slight disappointments, good men go running because none of their needs are getting met.

From Scaredy Cat to Grownup

There is hope for The Scaredy Cat! I know because I was one. It all starts with breaking down those emotional walls that took years to build. The first action is Step 1 of my 6-Step Find Hope and Find Him System: Falling in Love with Yourself. (I based my system on what I did to meet my fab husband.) Once you do this, you can start getting clarity about what and who will really make you happy (and how to attract him).

Imagine feeling good about yourself and deserving of love. Then heap on an understanding of what would truly make you happy for the rest of your life. Do you see it? With this you can start trusting your own judgment! And then the fear and angst starts to disappear.

Do you think you have a little Scaredy Cat inside you? Can you look back and see how it has affected your dating and relationships? If she’s lurking, I urge you to stop, take a breath, and give yourself permission to acknowledge and verbalize what is fantastic about you. Then make a commitment to change the thoughts and behavior that are causing you to turn the good guys away. (A great place to start your journey is to read my personal story of how I finally found love at 47 and then complete the exercises I give you.)

There are SO many good guys out there! I found one, and I have many clients who consistently have great dates and have found great partners! Once in a while these guys disappoint us. Sometimes we feel insecure or unsafe. But we trust ourselves and we’ve knocked down our walls. And we’re loving our grownup partnerships. Join us!


* If you haven’t already, I recommend you read What Dating is Like for Men (Oh…ya think you know?)

After talking to countless men I’ve identified the Six FemiTypes: The Princess, The 18 year old, The Scaredy Cat, The Wow Me Woman, The Bitter Gal and the Sex Pot. I’m sharing what I’ve learned with you to help you understand and appreciate the men you’re meeting. This empathy will surely lead you to become a more grownup, compassionate and HAPPY dater and, ultimately, life partner.


My next article in this series on The Wow Me Woman will appear next… Stay tuned!

Learn the SIX things you need to know in order to set a path to the love you’ve been craving

 

 

The post Are You Scaring Yourself Out of Love? (FemiType #3: The Scaredy Cat) appeared first on Bobbi Palmer, Date Like a Grownup.

The BIG Difference Between Dating Men and Boys

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Smiling Couple

If you are a single woman in her 40’s, 50s or beyond, I have a question for you: When you look at yourself today, are you the same person you were in your 20s or 30s? Have many of your priorities changed? Has experience taught you new life skills and shifted your perspective on things you previously held as absolute truth?

And what about when it comes to dating and relationships? Have you updated your “checklist” for the 55 year old men you are dating; choosing not to judge them like you did 35 year olds? Have you learned that your worth is far more than whether a man wants you, and that you are okay with yourself; whether or not you have a partner?

If you’re like me, the answer is probably a resounding “yes” to these questions. You’ve probably opened your mind to new ideas, and perhaps closed your mind to others. You’ve learned life skills that have brought you success, both at work and at home.

In fact, you’re probably feeling damn smart at this point in your life. And you should! You have achieved a lot, and gained a ton of knowledge and skills over the years. Together, this has rendered you one wise woman.

Well, like us, men change and evolve. I can hear you shout “I know that!” (I’m even tempted to throw a “duh” in here.) But in my work as a Dating and Relationship Coach for Women over 40, I often help women who say they know this, yet still tend to make assumptions about men based on stereotypes and expectations that originated in their teenage years and lingered.

Like you, men in midlife and beyond have experienced, matured and created good lives for themselves and these men can make fantastic partners. Yes, there are some outliers, just like there are women dating like they are still in their 20s. But if you make the mistake of assuming all men are childish, it’s likely the grownup good guys are going to pass you by.

Here are three common misconceptions about men that are based on when we were dating boys:

Misconception#1: Men love to chase.

Even if they once were “that guy,” most grownup men — especially the confident, accomplished guys you want to date — no longer see the value and have dumped the challenge of a chase as a hobby. Why? First, the woman-to-man ratio is now in their favor and they don’t have to compete like they did in their 20s. Also, their hormones have mellowed and they have broadened their vision of themselves; reducing the need (and sometimes ability) to rack up sexual conquests.

Finally, the grownup men who have achieved success in life know how to how to get what they want. If they think you are unattainable, uninterested or you don’t have space for them in your life they will move on. They won’t waste their time on something (or someone) they can’t win. Would you?

What that means to your grownup girl:  When you meet a man you are interested in, you need to let him know! It’s not about being aggressive like asking him out or jumping into bed with him. It’s simply about giving him a clear signal that, if he asks, you will say Yes. It’s giving him a “come hither.”

Tell him you very much look forward to talking with him again sometime. Tell him that you had a great time and would like to do it again. Look him in the eye and smile. Ask sincere questions about things he’s interested in. Compliment him. Receive graciously. Have fun with him. Laugh. These are all ways to show clear interest.

“The rules” is out, sister. Making him chase you not only doesn’t fly with grownup dating, it turns off the smart, commitment-minded men you are probably trying to meet. These men are not into playing games or climbing your wall of “I dare you.” They just want to meet a nice woman, have an easy time getting to know her and hopefully meet a wonderful partner to share the rest of a great life.

Misconception #2: Men won’t/can’t communicate their feelings.

Like you, men have many years of professional and personal circumstances that required them to develop effective communication skills. You can talk to men and they will talk back; and even listen! This is good news.

What that means to your grownup girl: You can be open, honest and direct with the men you date and have relationships with. There is no need to play games. Tell him what you want, what you don’t want and your true feelings. When you do so with loving kindness, good timing, and effective communication (the opposite sex does require a special language), you will find that this actually this strengthens a good relationship. If he’s the right guy for you he won’t run away like the uninterested, unwilling, scardey cats you dated twenty years ago.

Just remember that he may be willing but unable to share his needs and feelings and mistaking the two can be fatal. Unlike us, most men don’t have experience puking out their feelings or sharing their trials and tribulations. You may have to help him, but the right man will be willing to learn.

Misconception #3: Men will pick you because “you are there” and they can get sex. 

The ego and libido of a man can be very powerful, indeed; especially men in their 20s and 30s. However, for the most part, the men you’re dating today have figured out that being with the wrong person is way worse than hanging out with themselves.

Make no mistake: men want sex! But not so much as to play the games they used to play to get us in the sack. Like you, most grownup men want intimacy with the right person. If Halle Berry showed up at their door naked would they say “no?” No way. But the days of trolling for sex are over. Grownup men want companionship, support and acceptance for who they are…just like you.

What that means to your grownup girl:  If you meet a man that seems to enjoy you yet you don’t hear from him again, don’t take it personally. It’s likely that he knew something about himself or his life that meant you weren’t meant for each other. He’s probably doing you a favor.

With respect to sex, no need to feel pressure to “give him what he wants.” If you seem like the right woman, most men will be patient (as long as they know it will happen sometime). Most of all, drop the “all men want is sex” nonsense. It only serves to make you mistrust men. Inevitably that creates a wall between you and the men you meet which never results in good relationships. (Or even second dates for that matter.)


 

If finding love with an adult, interesting, committed man is on your dream list, consider opening your mind to see him as such. If you like him, show him, and let him know there is room in your life for the right man. Help him understand what you want and need so he can make you happy. Trust and honor him for the mature man he is. Do that, and the right man will love you for it. And you just might love him back!

 

 

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Tips for a Happier YOU!

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Happy Woman

I’m actually in Oakland Hills, CA, (not my usual Long Beach) where I’m hosting a two-day retreat for the graduates of my Love Program.

I have to say that I love my Love Program. For the past six months I have had the honor of coaching nine women privately, and half of them are already in relationships with men that I highly approve of. (Not that I have to, but yay!!)

And now we all get to meet in person. What a gift.

As I was looking back at the private coaching I do, I realized that a lot of cool information comes my way that I share with with my clients. And it’s not always directly about dating and relationships.

Bringing love into your life isn’t just about meeting the right guy. We do it by first starting with creating our best life and being our best self, right?

So from now on, I am going to start sharing some of these (seemingly random) pieces of info with you each week. If one thing I share helps you feel better, look better, rest more, think more, get out more, smile more…then I’ve done my job for you!

Here we go. Enjoy!

–> Larry and I are going to the Commodore’s Ball at our Yacht Club next week, and I need to buy a formal. (No, btw, this isn’t Thurston and Lovey’s kind of club. Much more casual.) Anyway, it’s so freaking hard to find a size 16 gown that actually has arms and where my boobs won’t hang out. Here is the formal I’m wearing to the ball! This is a great site if you’re like me.

–> If your New Year’s Resolution was to get a new job this year (in addition to falling in love!), then sign up immediately if not sooner for this cool FREE 7-day career challenge. My friend (and Forbes recognized coach) Christie Mims helps people love their careers in a way no one else is doing it. Let’s face it, you can’t love your life if you hate your work. Sign up for free and be on your way to work that fills you up, sister.

–> I posted a new article The Delightful Difference Between Dating Men and Boys. If you haven’t yet read it, it’s got some things that will help you and make you so happy that you’re not dating as a 25 year old.

–> Want to know how unmarried men are feeling about being single? Toni, my Love Program client, sent me this great article: Meet the New York Bachelors Who Yearn for Something More.

Now,g et out and smile at some men, will ya?

PS: I’m working on a catchy name for this weekly note to you. Something like Bobbi’s Bitchen Bits? If you have any ideas, email me and let me know. I’d be so appreciative and if I choose yours I will happily send you a nice gift.

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10 Mini-Resolutions to Attract More Men You Want To Date

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Attract More Men

You want to attract more men, right? The right men? It’s both an art and a science. It’s about making some small adjustments, trying new things and just plain getting out of your rut. (And out of your house.) What better time than the new year to change things up a bit?

If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always gotten. ~ Anthony Robbins

Here is my list of mini-changes that can have maxi-results and attract more men.

  1. Incorporate more color into your wardrobe. Think…….violet, blush pink, azure blue, tomato red. Maybe add some colorful prints in blouses or scarves. Men in general, but especially men over 40 are attracted to the confidence and femininity of color, especially when worn around your face. And it will lift YOUR spirits as well.
  2. Update your online dating profile pics – maybe include one with you wearing color? Men are visual creatures and are attracted to seeing you both up close (headshot) and in body-con (not overtly sexy, though) outfits. Something that shows off what YOU like about your body. Your waistline, your calves, your shoulders.
  3. Brush up on your grownup flirting skills. 80% of communication is body language.
  4. When on a first date or even looking at a man’s profile, first find three things you like about him. We tend to look for the negatives first; what discounts him as a potential suitor. Wonder why you aren’t attracting men you want to date? This is one big reason.
  5. Be on time to all your meet dates. Fashionably late is actually rude. (I should know. I’m often fashionably late. Larry hates it. I’m working on it.)
  6. Next time you get a compliment, smile and respond with “Thank you.” Period. No explanation, back-tracking, or being “humble.” It’s harder than you think and may take some practice, but it’s worth it. Men will be attracted to your confidence. And you’ll start allowing yourself to take in the kindness and good thoughts about yourself. Yummy.
  7. Encourage more face-time with your dates than texting. Remind yourself that texting is NOT dating. Nor is emailing. Move to the date, sister. That’s the only thing that really matters.
  8. Go to one group-type event each month; alone. Try Meetup group, Sierra Club hike, single’s vacation,  REI class. Google “over 40 single events” in your town. Wine tasting, political action, poker clubs, dancing, single’s hike, whatever interests you…even a little. Just chose one, sign-up and go.
  9. Tell five people that you’re looking for a fantastic man over 40 in your life and ask each to help you meet two men. Give them some of your must-haves. (Got the math? Woohoo!)
  10. Remember, knowledge is power. If you haven’t already, read my article, The Delightful Difference Between Dating Men and Boys. You will learn some things you need to know about grownup men. You’ve changed since your twenties, right? So have they.

 

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How long should I wait to have sex?

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How long should I wait to have sex?

Sex can be a glorious part of a relationship, but get intimate too soon and the experience can wreak havoc on your emotions and mess up an otherwise budding relationship. Hence, so many of us want to know, How long should I wait to have sex?

Getting this right is the key to maintaining your dignity and confidence, not falling for the wrong guy, and keeping safe. Whether you’re coming out of a long marriage or have been on an extended dating-hiatus, this is a new time in your life. Our bodies and minds work differently than they did at 20 or 30.

And this time you want to get your needs met in a grownup, relationship-minded way.

Listen, I’m all for having fun and enjoying some amazing sex. So if you’ve got long-term love on your mind, check out the answers to these top 4 questions I get asked about WHEN?…

1. Just how long should I wait to have sex with him? Is there a magic number of dates?

To sleep with him or not to sleep with him isn’t really the question…date 3 or date 6 is beside the point. If your end goal is a relationship, give it time.

My best advice: discover, don’t decide.

Enjoy the early discovery phase without getting overly invested. And by overly invested, yes, I mean jumping in bed. Studies show that the oxytocin that women release after having sex gets most of us emotionally attached (which is part of the magic of femininity!) That alone can muddle up this discovery phase by getting you attached too soon and relying too heavily on the sexual attraction.

I’d rather you wait and get hooked after you decide a man is good, kind and interested in the same kind of relationship as you. Look for signs that he’s trying to make you happy. Notice how you FEEL around him. If it’s too soon to make a decision about whether this guy is actually relationship material for you, hold off.

Realize that the wait IS NOT a game, rather a way to give you time to really sniff out his intentions (and yours!). If he’s relationship minded and willing to commit, he won’t mind waiting. The wait IS about making sure he’s willing to invest in getting to really know you. If the wait is irritating to him, odds are good he wasn’t looking for the same thing. Either way, good news.

2. But what if it’s so hot, we just can’t wait?

That all depends on what you’re looking for, sister. Believe me, I get it. When it’s hot it’s hot, and test-driving your compatibility in bed can seem like an ok idea in the moment. (When it’s really just an excuse to give yourself permission to go for it.)

But let me break it down for you: if you really want a capital-R Relationship with a grownup man… He. Will. Wait.

He. Will. Wait.

I see men graciously wait every day. Women aren’t the only ones who want to know if this is going somewhere. Men who are relationship-ready want to know that you’re taking them seriously too. And if you’re quick to hit the sack he’ll wonder if that’s your pace with every man.

Giving it away too soon doesn’t require much of him (or you!). Wait until he can provide you with the trust, confidence, and honesty that you need – it’ll up the ante for authentic connection. And be sure you give him the same.

By the way, there’s nothing wrong with a fling. Nothing wrong with getting straight to it – but know that the odds of him taking you seriously as Relationship Material are slim. (Yes, it happens, but not most of the time.)

If you want to know – without a doubt – that he isn’t making plans with Suzy-Q tomorrow night after sleeping with you tonight, get to the commitment of a relationship before you go there.

3. How will I know if he’s ready for a relationship?

There’s really not a lot of guesswork that goes with this. A grownup man who is looking for a relationship will tell you. Period.

If things are going well and you’re moving into 3rd date territory – ok, maybe 4th or 5th – he will likely ask you about exclusivity. (Here’s advice on when the right time is to be exclusive, and when it’s a red flag.)

Relationship-minded, grownup men are not into playing games. They just want to meet a nice woman, have an easy time getting to know her and eventually end up with one wonderful partner to share the rest of a great life. The man who is looking for that will make it pretty darn clear that he’s interested.

This kind of man isn’t going to just have a romp in the hay with you. He is decent and has respect for you. He’ll show his interest while letting things unfold at a healthy pace.Yes, really. You’re not dating 30 year olds anymore.

4. How will I know if I we’re ready to have sex?

First you have to know what YOU need in order to feel safe emotionally, physically and spiritually. Figure this out NOW…before you sleep with him. Do you need to be exclusive? Do you need to use protection? Do you need the lights off, or for him to know about some scar or some physical feature you’re uncomfortable with?

You have to be able to sit down, look each other in the eye, and have an adult conversation about your relationship, safe sex and what you need to feel safe. If you can’t…do NOT have sex with him! The two of you are not ready!

Too many times I’ve coached women who thought they were in an exclusive relationship only to find out that the man never felt that way. This happens when she assumed…but they never had a grownup, open conversation about each others’ feelings, expectations, and promises.

Being surprised when the phone doesn’t ring the day after really sucks! So don’t make any guesses! Find the words. They don’t have to be heavy and scary. But know if you’re on the same page about future and expectations.

I’m all for having fun and enjoying some amazing sexual intimacy. But if you’ve got love on your mind, follow these tips. I assure you they will limit your disappointment and help you find the happiness you so deserve. A good grownup man will go right along with you. He will respect you for taking such good care of yourself. And, hey, if he doesn’t, then he’s not a man; he’s a boy. Good thing you dodge that bullet early on. Next!

How do you gauge when the right time is to get intimate? Will any of these tips help you in the future? Leave me a comment below.

The post How long should I wait to have sex? appeared first on Bobbi Palmer, Date Like a Grownup.

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